Beware: Users Are Worse Than They Appear.

By: Sneakers O'Toole | June 5th, 2009

The venomous Ronald-hoe

(I kind of wish that’s what FIFA looked like, but this is pretty creepy)

Some might already know where I’m going with this. Anyone that plays online either is one or has crossed paths with one on their Online FIFA endeavors. This, of course, is the Ronald-hoe (see also: Messi/Eto’o strumpet).

This peculiar species can normally be identified in their natural habitat, FIFA Online, by their user name: ManU4Ever, RonaldoDaBest7, RonaldoAndAlexSittingInATree, etc. Anything in the ballpark of that user name will always result in the selection of Manchester United when it’s time to pick your poison. It’s inevitable.

Before you say it, the reason I am putting out a notice on this creature is not because I suck or because I hate Manchester United or Ronaldo. That’s irrelevant. My problem is that people that don’t know how to play a decent game are flattered by the fact that Usain Bolt wearing a pair of Mercury’s shoes could not keep up with Ronaldo. No matter the position on the field, CR7’s cheetah speed is always a threat as long as the player using Manchester has a hand capable of flicking the right control stick and hold RT simultaneously (I won’t even get into his exaggerated speed). Who needs to play solid one-twos and knock the ball around when you can have a virtual track meet?

I played ‘CR7Playa’ in a game the other day (I always use Roma, although one time I got ballsy and used DC United), and he obviously picked Manchester United. Normally I am good enough to beat any Ronald-hoe, but somehow Simone Loria got into my starting lineup. After 80 minutes of never having the ball and me never scoring, CR7Playa made a streak forward with you know who, and my attempt at tackle was shrugged off by The Flash in a Manchester shirt. The ensuing shot clanked off of the crossbar Luis Garcia style.

Please note that Ronald-hoes cannot comprehend the skills displayed in this video.

So, how do you avoid the Ronald-hoe in it’s essence? Below are a few methods you could use to thwart opposition’s attempts to waste your time.

1) Try to initiate an national team match. Everyone knows that in order to play with a national team, one user has to initiate it by going to the International selection section. If the other player still resists, they probably can’t play with anyone else effectively, and you’re going to be okay anyway.

2) Play with Cruz Azul. At the selection screen one day, I picked Roma, and the other player selected Cruz Azul. I would have felt bad slaughtering them, so I picked a team of equal quality. Obviously no team the caliber of Cruz Azul would have Ronaldo.

3) Pull the trick that so often occurs when I score two or more goals in the first half of a game:
ABORT!