Now We Know…By: Sneakers O'Toole | June 5th, 2010
If there is one thing that I’ve learned in life, besides the fact that you shouldn’t touch downed electric lines, it’s that putting a star next to a player’s name in a video game makes them unstoppable. No one can cover Randy Moss, get A-Roid out, or defend Kobe. While the Kobe thing may be more true than not, it gets annoying to get torched by the virtual version of a player just because he drives a yellow Porsche or is on every Got Milk poster ever created.
Based on the totally realistic star power of the 2010 FIFA World Cup game, we now know…
-Sweden didn’t fail to qualify; they were simply denied access to the tournament because the unstoppable Zlatan would have driven opposing defenders into a deep depression with his consistently stellar efforts in the Swedish kit.
-Iker Casillas, Gigi Buffon, and Hugo Lloris will only concede goals if they turn around and throw the ball into their own net
-John Obi Mikel does not miss chances; he only shows them mercy. He also doesn’t cut his grass; he merely stares at it and dares it to grow
-Sepp Blatter presented the Jules Rimet trophy to Spain behind closed doors months ago. Everyone is just going through the motions
-Sepp Blatter presented the golden boot to Didier Drogba shortly after the Spain ceremony, and last night twitter reported an awkward series of texts between Blatter and Drogba which ended with Sepp agreeing to give this tournament’s top goal scorer (huntelaar ) one of Drogba’s old boots
for those who wish to think of a time when gli Azzurri were a viable threat